Thursday, September 26, 2013

Diabetes is Sneaky


Riley’s 8 year diaversary is coming up next week.  8 years.  Wow.  It’s hard to believe we’ve been doing this for 8 years.  Also, it’s hard to believe we ever lived a life where we didn’t do this. 

Riley is 11 now.  He’s at an age where the majority of diabetes things fall in his lap.  There is no nurse at his school.  He is solely responsible for caring for his sugars while he is there.  Some days it is hit and miss.  Some days he forgets to check his sugars.  Some days he forgets to bolus for food.  And, some days, he’s just plain sick of it and ignores it all.  Figuring out how to “punish” him is difficult.  On one hand, isn’t diabetes and all the crap that comes along with it punishment enough?  But, on the other hand, this is his health and well-being we are talking about.  I want him to live to a ripe old age and enjoy his grandbabies, free from complications from this stupid disease.  So, I muddle through the murky waters the best I know how.  Some days I think I get it right.  Most days, I think I don’t.  Currently, he is grounded, not for not bolusing, but for adamantly lying to me about it.  Which brings into play, why is he lying about it?  Am I too hard on him?  Blah.  Murky waters indeed.

You would think after 8 years the ins and outs of daily diabetes care wouldn’t affect me anymore.  But, it does.  Not anywhere like it used to but it still affects me.  There are nights when I prick his finger at 3 AM to check his sugar that I think how wrong it is.  How there is no way I should be sticking my child with a needle several times a day and not give it a second thought.  There was a day not too long ago when I picked up his set and hurled it across the room.  I had just changed his needle and seeing his set sitting on the bed next to me angered me.  I just couldn’t stand to look at it any longer. 

I guess the biggest difference between now and 8 or even 6 or 7 years ago is when it affects me.  When Riley was first diagnosed, and several years thereafter, diabetes inundated my life.  It filled up every single aspect.  It affected my emotions, my sleep, almost every thought.  Now, it sneaks up on me when I’m least expecting it.

Yesterday, little man and I were sitting on the couch watching a TV show, The Little Couple.  They recently adopted a little boy from China.  On this episode he was having surgery.  They were talking about how hard it was to have him go into surgery.  The father said how he had burst into tears a few days earlier while thinking about it.

This prompted Riley to turn to me.  “Mom, did you cry when I was put in the hospital when I got diabetes? “  I just looked at him and said:  “Yes.  I cried every single day for a long time.” 

“Did Dad cry?” 

“I’m sure he did baby.  But, not in front in me.  I think he was probably trying to be strong for Mommy. I know Holden cried.  I’m sure we all cried.”  Everyone cried except him.  He never shed one tear.  Not even when they started his IV. 

At that moment I turned and looked at him and his big beautiful brown eyes.  The thoughts of waking up next to him in the hospital bed that first morning came flooding into my mind. I looked at him and said: “You were so little just lying there.” And, right there in the middle of The Little Couple I burst into tears. 

So, sneaky; sneaking up on me like that right in the middle of a TV show.  And, sneaking up on me again just a few minutes ago when I re-read what I had written: “He never shed one tear.”  My eyes spilled over yet again thinking about my strong, brave little boy who I wish never had to be so strong and brave. 

So, so sneaky….

 

11 comments:

Kelly said...

Penny!!!! I was just thinking about you yesterday, wondering if you ever knew that your blog was the FIRST I found that sucked me in after Maddi's dx. Your blog was the first that gave me that good cry of "same, same" and I used to hang on your every word feeling exactly the same!! Ive been wondering where you went in blogger land, and I can see here in this post that we are still in the "same same" as our kids grow older!!

Sneaky. We are at sneaky too! We are also dealing with the independence, failure to check or bolus at times, and me wondering how the hell Im supposed to handle it, without doing it wrong. -Sigh-

Ive missed you blogging! Glad I still have you as a friend on FB though :) ((HUGS)) to 8 years!

Betsy said...

Penny, if it makes you feel any better there are days when I am on top of things, when I'm not, when I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm high and days when I'm chasing lows. And there are days that I completely forget to take my insulin until I feel it in my eyes. My 9 year anniversary is in a few weeks. NO idea how to punish for just getting tired of it because I get tired of it too. And I go eat a cheeseburger because they make things better. And I get up the next day and try again. You all are rock stars for navigating the waters!

Joanne said...

So nice to see you post. I think yours was one of the first blogs I read. Sorry you are going through such tough things with your son. I hope you find a solution, or just even a balance soon. Until then, sending you big hugs.

Kristin said...

A friend whose son has spina bifida talks a lot about "chronic grief," and how it lurks below the surface - all the time.
You describe it so well! Hard to understand if you haven't lived with something chronic, but instantly recognizable if you have. Your son sounds like a champ! (Can't imagine how hard that would be at 11.)

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Cameron VSJ said...

Hi Pennt,

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Sarah Dealy said...

Hi Penny! I'm an avid health-nut preparing for medical college, and in my research I found your blog. It broke my heart reading your last post, I know people who have had diabetes, and being at risk myself I can't imagine the struggle of being a mom and constantly worrying about your son :( God bless you for being so caring!
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Tim Crawford said...

Yes, Penny, diabetes is indeed a sneaky disease. But I admire your little boy for being so brave and so strong in facing this disease. It’s not an easy scene to stand there and just accept the fact that your son’s life will change forever, that’s why I admire you for that. Someday, he’ll realize the gravity of his situation, but at least you know he’ll be strong enough to bear it.

Tim Crawford