Graduation Pics and More

I'm finally getting around to posting some graduation pictures. I've also put up some pictures of Riley from baseball. The season at the ballpark has ended but Riley found out there was a rec. league too and wanted to play that. So, we'll start up with that again this month. In addition, he starts swimming lessons tomorrow. I may have a month off from work, but I'll be busy, busy, busy.

Hanging with the guys

Holden and his best friend, Daniel. Daniel was Valedictorian and mentioned Holden in his speech for being such a good friend to him throughout the years. It made me cry.

Walking in. When Pomp and Circumstance started is when my tears started.

He received a scholarship (yay!!!!)

Those who received other scholarships were also recognized.

At one point a song started playing ("It Won't Be Like This For Long" by Darius Rucker). All of the kids got a flower and came and brought it to their mom. I cried off and on throughout the service, but I completely lost it when Holden brought me the flower.

Receiving his diploma.

It won't be too many years before Riley will be wearing this hat for real. (sniff, sniff)

What's Up?

** Holden has graduated and been oriented to his new college. It's the same college that Michael and I both attended. We went to orientation with him and it felt like going home. It was strange. When I walked into the English building I turned to Michael and said it brought back memories, not because of the sites, but the smell. It smelled the same and it brought back a lot of memories. Anyway, Holden is now registered for his classes and ready to start school in the fall. He moves into his apartment on August 23rd and his first day of classes is August 25th.

** Riley had an endo appointment on the 18th. His A1C was down to 7.4 which makes me happy, but not elated. I would like to have it a little closer to 7, but I'll take it. We sat and talked with Dr. Morris for a long time. She is closing her practice at the end of the month. We discussed our options as far as another endo and I made a decsion. I'll make an appointment with them and see how it goes. I know there is no way we will love them like we love Dr. Morris.

** Diabetes doesn't get as much of my attention as it used to. That's not to say that it doesn't get any attention. I guess maybe it's getting the proper amount of attention. I don't think about it as much, only when I have to think about it. Like, at Riley's end of the year party at school when they started passing out little juice jugs that were nothing but pure sugar. When Riley turned to me and said "Can I have one?" I had to tell him no and gave him a 2g juice pouch instead. He took it and went on his way while a group of mothers all lamented how sorry they felt for him. Or, the time at the family reunion when he had eaten a piece of cake and a piece of chocolate but when I'm standing at the dessert table trying to pick something out for myself he asks if he can have another piece of cake I say no. The woman standing next to me said, "Oh, poor thing. I feel so sorry for him." Why? Because he didn't eat the whole dessert table like you? I'm only going to have one piece of cake too. Or, last night when I changed his needle and he howled like a banshee. I'm not sure exactly what a banshee sounds like, but I'm pretty sure Riley's screams last night were pretty close. So, yeah, it's still there. It still causes my emotions to run the gamut some times, but my emotions aren't as extreme as they used to be.

** My mom just got out of the hospital yesterday. She went to the emergency room Saturday night having chest pressure. When they hooked her up to the heart monitor he heart rate was running in the 40s and low 50s. They admitted her to the hospital to run tests, but they still don't really know what's wrong. She's going to wear a monitor at home and also have some more tests run. I just talked to her on the phone. Her biggest problem now is that she is worn out. I guess having a low heart rate for so long will cause you to be fatigued. The problem is all of her tests and follow up appointments are scheduled for next month. That's too far away in my opinion. If she doesn't start feeling better soon I'm going to call and see what I can get done earlier.

** My last day of work for the summer is June 29th. Then, I'll have 5 weeks off before I have to start back. I can't wait!

Complications

When I dropped Riley off at my mom’s this morning she told me that she had gotten a call that one of my relatives with Type 2 diabetes was in the hospital and was going to have his foot amputated today. This same relative had his other foot removed a few years ago, but due to some problems ended up with a below the knee amputation a little while later. He now walks with the aide of a cane and prosthesis.

Anytime I hear of someone with diabetes losing a limb a small knot forms in the pit of my stomach. I pray every day that Riley will be spared of complications and that he will continue on the same responsible path on which he has started.

On the day Riley was diagnosed there was a long one hour ride to the doctor’s office. I’m a nurse and the only people with diabetes I had ever dealt with had Type 2 diabetes. And, to be honest, 9 out 10 of them had some form of complication, be it blindness, amputations, or kidney disease. All the way to the doctor that is all I could picture for my little boy. I could only imagine what complications would face him since he was diagnosed at such an early age.

I’ve learned a lot over the past 3 ½ years. I’ve “met” many, many people who have lived with Type 1 diabetes for 20+ years with nary a complication. And, most of them were diagnosed when insulin therapy was primitive to say the least. There was no carb counting and there were no blood sugar machines. And, yet, they stand, on their own two feet, complication-free. They’ve lived long, happy lives. Many of them are not only parents, but grandparents as well.

Still, hearing of a PWD developing complication brings up those fears I’ve tucked way back in the back of my mind. And, it makes me long for a cure more than ever before.

This Is It

Riley's last day of school was today. He is now officially a second-grader. My mom took him out for ice cream to celebrate. Luckily, his sugar cooperated and was 81 at the time.

I'm getting ready to leave work. Once I get home I will change and head off to Holden's baccalaureate service. Graduation is at 10 in the morning.

I've cried a lot this week. I tear up at the drop of a hat. I know people have looked at me strangely, because I can just be standing there and a thought will hit me and I'll get tears in my eyes.

I'm sure there will be more tears tonight and tomorrow. I know he's going to be OK. And, I'm excited for all he has left to experience. But, this is one of those milestones that really get to you. Bittersweet is really the only way to describe it.

Once I get through tonight and tomorrow I'll be OK until it gets closer to him moving away to college. I'll post some graduation pictures when I get a chance.

Oops, I Did Again

I was reading Jill's blog and she was talking about her daughter forgetting to dose herself for lunch. In the comments some people shared some of their similar experiences.

Do you have a story you'd like to share about when you totally screwed up when it came to D? Come on, none of us are perfect and maybe sharing your story will make someone else feel better about themselves.

My biggest oops happened on Riley's very first day of Kindergarten. I think because it was his very first day out of my sight with someone else caring for him it made it stick out in my mind even more.

I was sooooo upset about Riley starting school that I had made myself sick (literally). I was so nervous that morning. I got him to eat breakfast and somewhere in all the caos I forgot to bolus for it. I didn't even realize I had done it until Holden called me at snack and Riley was in the 300s. When I asked how much insulin he had on board, Holden said "none". (snack was about 2 hours after breakfast) That's when I realized that I had forgotten to bolus for his breakfast.

He got insulin then and went on to have a fine first day of Kindergarten, but I felt like such a dunce. I will never forget doing that.

That's my big story. There are plenty of other oops over the last 3 1/2 years but that's the one that sticks out in my mind.

What's your D-oops?

Odds and Ends

** Riley’s sugars have been pretty good lately. He’s had a few lows, but not low-lows. I did decrease one of his basals last night because he keeps going low (but not low-low) every day between breakfast and lunch. I had already adjusted his carb coverage a little, but that didn’t seem to help. He did have a real-low yesterday in between breakfast and lunch; he was 59. It’s strange to decrease basals. It seems to go against everything. His insulin needs should increase, not decrease. I know that since it is summer and he’s more active that’s probably what it is. Still, it’s strange to me to ever decrease anything.

** Holden’s last full day of high school was yesterday. He’s going half a day today, and then he has Baccalaureate practice. Tomorrow he has one exam and then he will be done. Last night before I went to bed he said, “You know tomorrow will be the last day I take Riley to school in the morning.” There goes another “last”.

** A couple of weeks ago I purchased Wii Fit. Riley got a Wii for Christmas and ever since he got it I’ve wanted Wii Fit. But, because of the price, I held off. A couple of weeks ago I decided I was tired of being tired all the time and wanted to do something about it. I also knew it was important to do something for myself. So, I bought Wii Fit and have been using it pretty much every day since. Yesterday was my 11th day having it. I have lost a little over 2 pounds since starting it. I have cut down on what I eat and have cut out sodas completely. While I would love to lose about 15 pounds, that’s not really my ultimate goal. My goal is to feel better and to get in shape.

** Michael just called me and asked if I wanted to help him with a pool liner replacement. For about ten years now he’s been working summers helping someone who owns a pool and spa shop put in pools and things like that. He always got paid hourly wages to help him. Last year the owner decided he was too old to help anymore and turned the pool installation over to Michael. So, in addition to working for him Michael had a little side job putting up pools (above ground) and replacing liners. He not only gets referrals from the owner but from another local pool shop as well. It’s really hard work, but it’s really good money. He has someone else to help put up pools. I can’t help him with that because I’m really not physically capable of all the digging, lifting, and pulling it involves. So, he splits the money for that. But, last year I helped him with a liner replacement. It was really hard and really, really HOT, but we did it. And, that way we get to keep all the money and he doesn’t have to split it with anyone else. His extra summer job paid for our kids to go to private school last year. So, this Saturday I will spend my day in the bottom of a hot, hot pool. I will have to keep in my mind why we’re doing it so I can get through it.

** When Michael called me he said we could either do it this Saturday or next one if that was better. I reminded him that Holden graduates next Saturday so we’d have to do it this Saturday. Saying that made me realize how close it really is. My baby graduates from high school next week. He got his annual yesterday and I sat and cried for a good 30 minutes reading through the senior pages. At the beginning of the year the parents are given the opportunity to place a senior ad in the annual. You can put whatever you want on the page. We got one. We put a lot of pictures of Holden up there. There were pictures from all stages of his life. And each of us (me, my parents, Riley, and Michael) wrote a little note to Holden. I don’t care how many times I looked at the page yesterday every time I read it my eyes filled up with tears. The pictures of a young Holden and a very young-looking me where the ones that brought the tears on the most. It seems like only yesterday he was Riley’s age.

** I know I keep harping on Holden's graduation, but just bare with me for a little longer. Right now it's on my mind even more than diabetes. And, that's saying something. It's really a strange place to be. On one hand, I'm happy for him. He gets to go off to college and experience life on his own. I'm even a little excited for him. On the other hand, I want to keep him just like he is. I don't want him to graduate. I don't want him to go away. I don't want to see his high school end. I known that once you're out of high school life is never the same again. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But, change is always hard and the thought that my baby is old enough to graduate from high school just blows me away. Once he graduates it will only be a few weeks before he's off to college. It will be a new beginning for him. This line keeps playing over and over in my head: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

One of Those Days

Riley had a ballgame yesterday afternoon. He had lunch just before the game. When I checked his sugar right before the game it was on the higher end of the spectrum but I didn’t give any insulin because I knew he had plenty of insulin on board and was getting ready to run around in the hot, hot sun.

After the game there were the usual snacks. This time it was Doritos. They are not too bad but they’re not too great either. Really, I’d rather him have the cupcake from the week before. Cheesy snacks sometimes affect his sugar in a weird way.

Anyway, Riley started the usual “Can I have it now? Can I have it now?” To which I gave my usual, “Let’s wait until we get in the car and check your sugar.”

We got in the car and I handed Riley his machine. He started checking as we drove away. I heard the beep of his machine. In a whiny voice he said, “It’s 425.”

“Can I still have my snack?”

It’s times like these that I want to crawl in a corner somewhere and throw a blanket over my head and hide away for a little while. “No, baby, you need to wait for your sugar to come down a little bit, OK?”

“Why, Mom? It’s not fair. I hate diabetes!” Then, he started to cry.

I reminded him of the week before when he was on the lower end of the spectrum and he got to eat treat after treat. That was no comfort to him. It was probably a dumb thing to say, but I just wanted to do something, anything to make him feel better.

Accepting that your child is hurting and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it is one of the most difficult things in the world to handle. I wanted to cry too, but for Riley’s sake I held it in.

It was time for a site change anyway, so when we got home I started gathering the supplies. Riley started up. “I don’t want to change my needle!! When do I get to eat my snack?”

I disconnected him from the pump. He had a few minutes to run around free while I drew up insulin and primed the tubing.

When I pushed the side of the inserter and the needle pierced his skin he seemed to be fine. He kept carrying on a conversation with Michael like nothing had happened. I was relieved. When he’s high at a site change is when it seems to bother him the most.

I decreased his pump 50% for 3.5 hours (like I always do after site changes to try and prevent lows). I also did not fill the canula (another trick to try to prevent lows). I dialed in the amount of insulin he needed for his high sugar (minus a little, to try to prevent lows).

When I pushed “OK” and the insulin injected Riley let out a howling scream. His eyes filled with tears and he began to bawl. I hugged him and tried to comfort him. All the while he was crying on my shoulder. After a while the crying stopped. But, every few seconds he’d say “Ow, ow, ow” and tense up. Then, he’d cry a little more.

This went on for several minutes. Finally, it stopped hurting.

Right after the change we needed to leave to go somewhere. Riley started to complain. He didn’t want to go anywhere because it hurt to sit down after a needle change. We told him it was a short ride, just over a mile down the road, and he got in the car and did fine after that.

An hour after his needle change his sugar was 217. He had dropped 208 points in one hour (even after all the things I did to try and prevent a low). So, he got to eat his Doritos. He proceeded to go low anyway.

Then, high, then low, then high…..You get the picture.

During church yesterday morning his sugar was dropping so I decreased his basal, I decreased it a little too much I guess because he ended up high after that. At the end of the day his sugar graph looked more like something you would see on a heart monitor.


I hate days like that. I hate that I can’t do anything to take away the pain. I hate that I help cause that pain. I hate that my full-time job is being a pancreas. It’s the most important job of my life, yet I didn’t go to school to do it. There’s no such thing as a degree in pancreatology. It’s all on the job training. And, when you screw up, your child pays for it.